Understanding People-Pleasing and Anxiety
A Perspective from Michelles Counselling and Training
I often work with individuals who describe themselves as “the strong one,” “the reliable one,” or “the easy-going one.” On the surface, these qualities sound positive. But underneath, many are quietly struggling with anxiety, exhaustion, and a deep fear of letting others down.
People-pleasing behaviour can look like kindness — yet it is often rooted in anxiety and early survival strategies.
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is a pattern of consistently putting others’ needs, feelings, and expectations ahead of your own. It may involve:
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no”
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Over-apologising
Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
Struggling to set boundaries
Seeking reassurance after interactions
While caring about others is healthy, chronic self-sacrifice can come at a significant emotional cost.
How Does It Develop?
In my counselling practice, I often see that people-pleasing begins as a protective response.
It may stem from:
Early Experiences of Conditional Approval
If love, praise, or attention felt dependent on being “good,” helpful, or high-achieving, you may have learned that acceptance must be earned.
Growing Up Around Conflict or Criticism
In unpredictable or emotionally intense environments, becoming agreeable can feel like the safest option.
A Strong Sense of Empathy
Highly empathetic individuals may naturally tune into others’ needs — but without clear boundaries, this can lead to chronic overextension.
What once kept you safe may now be fuelling anxiety.
The Link Between People-Pleasing and Anxiety
In my work, I frequently see how this pattern connects to anxiety in several ways:
Hypervigilance
Constantly monitoring others’ moods or reactions keeps your nervous system in a heightened state of alert.
Fear of Rejection
When self-worth becomes tied to approval, even minor disapproval can feel overwhelming.
Emotional Suppression
Ignoring your own feelings can create internal tension, resentment, and stress.
Burnout
Overcommitting and overgiving often leads to exhaustion, which worsens anxiety symptoms.
People-pleasing may temporarily reduce fear by avoiding conflict — but over time, it strengthens the anxiety cycle.
Signs You May Be Struggling
You might recognise yourself if you:
Replay conversations repeatedly
Feel tense before asserting yourself
Experience guilt when setting boundaries
Struggle to identify your own wants and needs
Feel responsible for keeping everyone happy
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone — and you are not “too sensitive.”
How Counselling Can Help
, I provide a respectful, non-judgemental space to explore:
Where these patterns began
The beliefs driving your anxiety
How to build healthy boundaries
How to tolerate discomfort without self-blame
How to strengthen your sense of self
My approach focuses on compassion, empowerment, and sustainable change — helping you move from fear-based approval seeking to confident self-alignment.
Making Changes In Your Relationships
Breaking free from people-pleasing doesn’t mean becoming confrontational or uncaring. It means learning that:
Your needs matter
Boundaries are healthy
Discomfort is not danger
You do not have to earn your worth
If you recognise yourself in this pattern, support is available. Reaching out can feel daunting — especially if you are used to handling everything alone — but it can also be the first step towards reducing anxiety and building more balanced, fulfilling relationships.
I am here to support you to reach your goals when you are ready.
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